By Kevin Shea
This past week has been fraught with anxiety. The hidden past of our beloved Paul Smith, which recently came to light, has caused outrage, fear, and panic. Four days ago, December 5, 2016, a letter left behind by Mr. Smith shook the core of the Paul Smith’s community. The letter starts with a shocking statement:
“My name is Paul, but I always wanted to be Caroline.”
The letter was discovered in a can of potpourri left behind by the founder of the school. In the letter, he describes how his passion for art and gastronomy pushed him to flee from his manipulative parents and create a home for “those abandoned by society’s masculine grip,” as he wrote in his four-page letter. The abrupt introduction to Paul’s mind is followed by an onslaught of emotional cries for freedom of persecution.
“I always told my daddy that getting up at the crack of dawn to hunt was boring, but he would, without a word, smack me and drag me out of bed.” Anecdote after anecdote paints a picture of a young man uncertain of his upbringing and longing for more. “To twirl in a silk dress among pies, tarts, and other pastries all lathered in luscious colors like a delectable rainbow, would be a dream.”
Per the letter, Paul lived his dream on a “vivacious summer afternoon,” as he describes it. He goes on to explain the various other attendants to his “fabulous gathering.” The most notable is Joan, a woman with a flat chest and prominent beard. Joan and Paul spent most of the day dancing on the lawn, and the evening in Paul’s extravagant “closet,” as he liked to call it; later in the letter he explains that he enjoyed to come out of his “closet” every morning and embrace the freedom of his new home. The home he created housed many refugees from societal norms. Homosexuals, transgenders, and African-Americans were all welcomed to Paul’s abode. Respect was the only requirement to participate in the newest and most vibrant community in the Adirondacks.
“Everywhere you went, people were holding doors for each other, or helping them with a painting or complementing on their latest innovations in pillow making.” The haven which Paul described appears harmless, but not to all. On Monday, December 5, 2016, when the college’s administration was handed the letter written by Paul Smith, a fund of $3.5 million was created to discredit the legitimacy of the letter. When questioned on the matter late Tuesday evening, the college responded on its Facebook page:
“The tale presented in the letter we received Monday morning is false. All of it is false. Paul Smith was a strong, red-blooded American. He most certainly did not want to be called Caroline, and to those calling for the name of our school to be changed to Caroline Smith’s College are ridiculous; we wanted to change it to something else last year and you all said no. We are not changing it now. In regards to Paul Smith’s past, we state again that he was a hunter. He loved meat and nothing else. To say that he wished to parade in a red silk dress is insulting to his memory. We even have pictures to prove that he hun—umm, harvested.” A blurred picture of Paul Smith supposedly standing over a moose was put on the Facebook page. A few minutes after the Facebook post, large posters of the same picture were plastered over every wall of the school.
Students and parents also reacted strongly to the letter. Hundreds of calls were made to the school. Many parents threatened to pull their children out of school if the letter turned out to be true; however, a minority of the school rejoiced at this new-found past of Paul Smith. A topless young woman, bedazzled in earrings of all shapes and sizes, which fought for space from her long green hair, ran on the front lawn of the administration building was heard screaming, “the Cis-Gender, racist, sexist, homophobic, mainstream, oppressive, postmodern, conformist administration is attempting to suppress the nontraditional, sexually-empowered, proud, free-thinking, agender, independent, respectful liberals who have been abused by the evil-doers for too long! We need to promote positive and inclusive thinking in this racist and dangerous society full of idiots.”
A student outside of the cafeteria sold dozens of t-shirts sporting a slogan written in blood-red letters, “Smittys are dumb, Caroline’s the one.” She was eventually taken away in handcuffs by Campus Safety. Whether the letter is real or not seems to matter little to the Paul Smith’s Community. Emotions are surging, and arguments consume the hallways over whether Paul was a Caroline or not. The reaction of everyone is telling of everyone’s true feelings, and the result is much anger and heartbreak. Should everyone choose to sit down and rationally discuss instead of argue and bicker, we might all come to a shocking realization: respect is more important than your beliefs.
This is a satirical piece. Do not take it seriously.
Kevin Shea is an editor for The Apollos. Check out his bio here!