By Kevin Shea

The following is a recording of a recent interview between an Eritas News journalist and Rachel Norom, leader of the National Association of Zealous Individuals.

Eritas News (EN): The concept of Political Correctness (PC) is one which has absorbed the minds of many millennials. Words such as ——– and ——– are banned from the United States because of their ability to offend. The controversy over whether PC culture is one which draws shock, and then an illogical amount of anger. Young men and women have clogged busy roads, held racist corporations hostage, and shouted obscenities at rude and offensive citizens. Although some PC preachers act independently, many have joined the newest hip – yet not mainstream – counterculture, group known as the National Association of Zealous Individuals. Today, Eritas News has been graced with the presence of Rachel Norom. Rachel, thank you for being here today. We heard you had some difficulty coming here. What happened?

Rachel Norom (RN): There were just a lot of idiots on the road today. I was stuck waiting for some idiot guy on a bike to get outta my way. He was going like zero miles per hour, ugh, haha.

(EN): Yes, that can be a pain. Now why don’t you tell us about your group?

(RN): Well, we are an association who feel disenfranchised by the gender normative societal structure which enslaves us to the government’s cisgender wet dream. Together, we hope to beat the crap out of today’s white slave owners, America.

(EN): Wow! That’s one mission statement. How do you plan to go about doing that?

(RN): We, the National Association of Zealous Individuals, will march on this corrupt nation’s capital, and preach for a counterculture revolution. When we expose ourselves to the heteronormative infection, which poisons the mind of every brainwashed individual, the purity of our collective beings will overwhelm the racist hillbillies and corporate sellouts who rule this world. They will have bow down to the superior gender-fluid, open-minded humans of this new world.

(EN): Wait, you’re going to expose your bodies to the world? I don’t think that’s going to work the way you want it to.

(RN): Of course you wouldn’t understand, you cisgender homophobe!

(EN): I’m sorry. I’m sure there’s plenty about this plan that I don’t get. Please continue.

(RN): Don’t be sarcastic with me!

(EN): I wasn’t—

(RN): YES YOU WERE

(EN): Please, miss, sit down.

(RN): Don’t call me MISS!

(EN): I’m sorry, what should I call you?

(RN): Human! I am a HUMAN!

(EN): Of course, but doesn’t that sound a little strange?

(RN): Again, you don’t know anything.

(EN): Quite right. Now let’s continue with your assault on the White House. What changes do you hope to come from this march?

(RN): Open-minded and free-thinking individuals.

(EN): …

(RN): Are you going to say anything? You’re supposed to be asking me questions.

(EN): Yes, sorry, I was just thinking. Who do you believe should occupy the White House?

(RN): Someone who’s not a politician, and doesn’t abide to societal norms. Preferably an agender HUMAN, who partakes in a polyamorous relationship.

(EN): Do you have a candidate who meets your requirements?

(RN): Not yet, but we’re looking for potential candidates right now.

(EN): Will you accept others who don’t meet such requirements?

(RN): No! We need change in the White House!

(EN): But isn’t that discrimination? Shouldn’t you simply accept any qualified candidate who believes in a similar political agenda?

(RN): No, no one else can understand the change we need.

(EN): Well, that actually makes sense.

(RN): Of course it does. You don’t believe that a woman can think?

(EN): Absolutely not! I just wasn’t sure what to exp—

(RN): Don’t mansplain to ME!

(EN): I wasn’t doing anything of the kind, Miss—

(RN): HUMAN!

(EN): Can you please calm down so we can finish this interview?

(RN): NOOOOO!

It is at this moment that Rachel got up from her seat, mouth gaping and dripping of drool, and beat her chest like a gorilla. I sat shocked, unsure of whether or not I should make eye contact. The roars which erupted from her mouth were of a beastly nature. One might have mistaken it for the cry of a deranged hippo.

The camera-man and my editor rushed to grab her before she became violent. A balled-up fist took the camera-man by surprise and sent him to the ground clutching his throat. Rachel then leaped from her perch and gnawed on my editor’s forehead. Every chomp on his pale head elicited a whimper from the small, bald man. Fortunately, I often come with a cattle prod – many of my previous interviews have required it – and I zapped her with over 8,000 volts. She convulsed on the floor for several seconds before lying still; a pool of thick drool pooled around her head.

After contacting several other members of NAZI, who threatened to take us to court, we cleaned up the carnage. Both our cameraman and editor are healthy, although our editor now twitches involuntarily, producing a feral-looking grimace.

A work of satire by Kevin Shea

Kevin Shea is an contributor and editor for The Apollos. Check out his full bio here!